So i've been back in Los Angeles since Thursday night and I have already encountered certain circumstances that are worth sharing whereas others that are better left looming in the back of my mind. Why is that? You wouldn't want to know...
Looking back on this past semester at Berkeley, I have learned far more than I had anticipated; from socializing to academia. It all just took a deep, piercing bite into me, chewed me for a second, and then spit me out - wounded, a bit, but prepared for the next moment of desire. For some people it strikes them over the course of a few weeks, and they slowly progress in understanding what the fuck has been savoring them. Others, more aloof, go about their daily life attempting to take everything at face value, and "voilà," an incisor tears your heart in two. No one left to sew it back together other than yourself. Maybe you don't have a heart? Well, shit, then maybe your brain was just chewed out. Regardless, it was unexpected.
I have met some beautiful people, taken on some inspiring responsibilities and challenged myself to the point of near insanity. I don't regret anything.
-x-x-x-
So, I packed all of my belongings within a rather large backpack and waited for my future to roll by right in front of me. I kept asking myself "what the fuck were you thinking" and then would curb those negative thoughts with "this is all an experience." It was as if yin and yang had been left dormant within my soul and they had all of a sudden come back to life, and my optimism was being tested by fear and doubt. No matter - fortunately yang took my future by the stronghold and soon enough I was sitting in a car, yoga mat between my legs, backpack piled in the trunk, and smile gleaming across my face in a car of strangers.
"No turning back now..." I thought.
And I wouldn't have turned back even if I could. The first brief conversation that blossomed after I entered the vehicle set off a sense of reassurance and comfort; this was an environment that I felt safe in. Sure, I was going to be in this car for six hours with people whom I possibly shared no interests with, but it did not matter anymore. My overanalyzing nature was better left ludicrous...
Conversations slowly grew, personalities began to flourish, auras began emanating through each person's soul as we all shared this collective journey to the southern part of our "home."
I don't want to get into details because some things are better left said in person or merely kept within ourselves, but this 6 hour experience was something at a loss for words. As I wrote on a spare sheet of paper sprawled near my desk, the four of us were asking questions about the world, mankind, things, nonsense, everything. But, the difference between what happened in that strange vehicle on that strange night with those strange people was we were not only asking questions, but trying to find answers.
Trying to find answers to the unanswerable.
We came up to so many varying conclusions and couldn't help but keep talking - keep asking more questions and looking for more answers.
A lot of things that we went over that day stuck with me... much like the conversations I have had with a few people back here, in Los Angeles. I can't pick a favorite quote nor favorite question. I'll simply leave one that I still remember to the best of my abilities:
"Have you ever stopped and wondered about how humanity either questions everything or remains silent? You have philosophy, where you have questions with no answers. You have religion, where you have answers that you can't question. Then, you have science, where you have questions and answers but they are all subject to further questions and answers."
"So we're all just going in circles?"
"Long, vicious, circles in an attempt to get to the middle which we call 'the meaning of life.'"
I came back to L.A that day with a new perspective - for better of for worse, but different nonetheless.
-mon
